Fierce Love

fierce-love-prophetic-art-by-marilyn-simandleI’m reading this book called “Choose Joy,” it’s excellent and uplifting and holds me accountable for my own joy. Regardless of the circumstances of my life.

Which is a good thing. But today I don’t feel like choosing joy.

My husband is gone, bug had a horrible night, Nici is…well Nici, always intense (one way or another), and I’m supposed to be compassionate. I’m tired.

 

I’m supposed to choose joy and radiate Christ. I do feel like flipping some tables, Christ did that…so does that count?

 

As Christians we are held to high standards, which is a good thing, a biblical thing. However we are often judged, for having those standards, “you call yourself a Christian, yet judge others.”

 

Yes, I judge how people show love. I’m working on it, my empathy, compassion, grace (whatever you want to call it) is growing. But my standards for how we should love one another is high. And that is Biblical.

 

That doesn’t mean loving everyone is easy. It does mean we are called to try. It also means holding myself and those I love to high standards. I’m passionate and overly emotional…so is my God.

 

You don’t let your son die for others, for sinners, for those completely unworthy, unless you’re overcome with fierce irrational love.

 

You don’t hang suffering and tortured unless overcome with fierce irrational love.

 

So I’m reading this “Choose Joy” book, not feeling joyful, not feeling overcome with love. But feeling fierce.

 

And maybe that isn’t something to push aside as I search for sunshine. Maybe God purposefully placed this fierce beast within me so I could accomplish great irrational things.

 

Regardless of who is uncomfortable with it (myself included).

 

And yes, fierceness requires high expectations and unbounding love.

  • J

Impossible Love

motheres-impossible-love-louise-bourgeois-and-tracey-eminA mothers love is impossible. You learn an entirely new dimension to love when you become one.

Each time a baby is born so is love. So is a mom.

Each child has a different mom, because each child is unique and requires it.

So all those articles for “first time” moms are kind of crap….unless you read them with reverence for each consecutive child (or my personal preference, not at all.)

The good moms spend our entire lives, our very existence and all the moments in between simply being mom, and trying to figure out how to be the best mom our child needs.

We err on the side of love, but no matter what they get to grow up.

And some babes yell loud, and early, and late and always. And some prefer silent rebellion. And some mess up early and walk gentle and stubborn, moving mountains in supposed solitude.

And yet, some feel deeply and let anger penetrate and some crave love to the point of idiocy.

And some babes are still little and outright defiant and give literal smacking kisses.

Being a mom is an impossible blessing, they grow up, they mess up, they wear you down.

But if you’ve done it right they have learned…err on the side of love.

So sleep peaceful, weary mommas, knowing you’ve done your all and it was the best and it was good enough.

And if all they learn is love, that’s good enough. It will guide them back. Because a heart ready for love is a heart ready for Christ.

-J

The World Isn’t Like Her

the-world-isnt-like-her-frida-kahlo-photoI’m highly emotional. I often wonder if I’m the one wired crooked. Even a realtor, who has known me less than 30 minutes said, “99% of the world isn’t like her…”

I think it was a compliment. But it can also be a burden.

And my neck hurts from straining, from the weight of all the emotions and order and chaos I try to get a grip with every day.
I cant seem to figure out how things will play out; I am a roller coaster. But faith in what we see isn’t faith, its knowledge.

Faith is what you don’t see. Trust is believing God will weave it beautiful, if not eventually.

I’m highly emotional and highly controlling, and I want to be held and loved loudly.

If I could just slow down I would realize I already am, in a thousand different ways…every single day.

  • J

The Holy Option

Exodus 22:51 “you are to be my holy people…”

What does it even mean to live a holy life?

Yes, I’ve got Jesus.

Yes, I pray. Yes, I know I am forgiven without mosaic rituals. But what in MY personal journey needs some redirecting…could use some holy water.

Needs refocusing to “seek him first”

Striving for holiness is like striving for perfection, except failure is an option and expectation thanks to grace and mercy.

So, as a Christchild, a daughter of royalty, holiness IS my high throne, my birthright and gift.

IF I choose it. IF I am willing to seek him first and again and again.

But the question remains, what in my life must I purposefully redirect on Christ.

And the answer comes fairly simple to me, yet hits hard. Love.

I like to think I live love out. I love hard and obvious and my love standards are high.

I also snap, hard and obvious and it hurts those I love most.

Tensions can be high. Love is strong.

the-holy-optionI get to choose which one will be louder. And I pray for grace and mercy and strength to choose the holy option.


Keep awake! Watch at all times. The devil is working against you. He is walking around like a hungry lion with his mouth open. He is looking for someone to eat. – 
1 Peter 1:5-8

And so I know I must purposefully choose love. It may not come naturally, but it is my holy calling.

– J

He Speaks

“And the dialect of God is the day just as it comes” Ann Voskamphe-speaks

 

I pray a lot more now than I used to. I’m a mom and a wife, on my knees is a way of life: scooping up toys, lifting up babies, cleaning up spills… begging for new mercies and more grace. Desperately seeking wisdom in this journey.

 

God has the ability, but in my experience rarely speaks loudly. His message is powerful and perfect and He can bend the winds of my life, I suppose that’s why He doesn’t shout.

 

He is communicating constantly, it’s just in our amplified neon world it is easy to miss the wind.

 

My God talks in subtleties; in rainy days and perfectly timed peonies, in traffic jams and puppy kisses, His guiding hand a forceful slow down child.

 

He wakes me before dawn to ponder life with him and see the world in the clear dark of dew.

 

Faith, communication, is more than a feeling or a justification of wants and I cant rightly explain it.

 

But He speaks all day and I can only hear when I quiet down, and its worth the slow down.

-J

 

Please Be Ridiculous!

What is faith?  Hebrews 11 describes it as” confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see.”  I like to think of it as belief in action.

Like Joseph (as in Jesus’ earthly dad, not technicolor dream coat).

Joseph responded repeatedly in obedience every time God directs him…and these are crazy  directions by all earthly understanding!

“Mary, though pregnant, is a virgin.  Marry her!”

“The king of all the land wants to kill your baby.  Leave!”

The king has died go back to Israel…oh wait, there is a bad ruler there. Go to Nazareth!”

do-itThese are NOT normal commands.  Yet, Joseph obeyed.

God would have ensured Jesus’ success as a perfect sacrifice regardless of Joseph – because His love for us is too great.  BUT, Joseph listened and followed God.  He played his part to bring God’s perfect will of how Jesus would come to us.

I want faith that responds to the seemingly ridiculous…

because often the seemingly ridiculous leads to the mirculous!

  • S

 

A Self-Reliant Man

a-good-self-reliant-man-vintage-art-posterI married a good man, who was taught to need no one. That kind of mindset is highly applauded these days…

Take care of yourself

Do your own thing

Depend on no one

Plant your own flowers

Frost yourself

 

Which are all great sentiments, to an extent. Except for the wife who was loved too much as a child and wants to be lavishly loved on as an adult.

 

The world is shifting – I know more people with divorced parents than committed.

 

It’s really no wonder people think independence and self reliance is the key.

 

Yet, I was raised to rely on each other. I was raised based on the most dependent love, Christ love. The most pure, uncomplicated, yet wholly dependent love.

 

As a believer and as a wife that is hard. It’s hard loving a man so unvulnerable, a man with so many walls.

 

It must be done, with Christ love, over and over and with a gentle word…

 

And there in lies my problem. Thank goodness I can be wholly dependent on my God for grace and mercy and love as I try my best, to rededicate my life to Him and to him.

 

And to see the day the walls come down.

  • J