Everyday, at least once a day, I feel like crying. Not little tears of joy or pain. I feel like sitting on the floor and sobbing uncontrollably for reasons that do not exist except in my mind, and for reasons life is so very complicated.
Literature, err hospital pamphlets, call it “baby blues”…and suggest getting help if it lasts longer than a few weeks. Apparently a few weeks of this is a normal thing.
I remember feeling very similar after Bug was born. I was told introducing number three into the mix is way easier than number two – that I already know how to divide my time. It’s not simpler for me.
It’s equally as hard and the guilt rides me, despite it being unfounded. I want to cuddle them all, all at once. I want to hold them close and whisper I love you’s until it’s all they know to say. (Super productive parenting I know).
My heart is overflowing and my emotions are the icing on top. Beck is a champ; hands down an easier baby and a better breast feeder. But it hurts still and the emotional surges with it send me wheeling.
But he’s perfect, and we’re all obsessed. It wasn’t our plan to have a family of five. But God knew better and I’m so glad. I can’t imagine my world without any one of my babies in it!
But I still want to cry. A lot. And so I’m writing this random blog to say that’s ok.
And it doesn’t take away the love. Or the frustration of a healing body. Or the fact my kids don’t understand why I cant run around yet though I all I want to do is that. Or why I can’t carry my three year old up or downstairs yet. It breaks my mama heart even if next week I know we’ll be back closer to normal.
It’s all a process. And it’s all ok. And grace is extended and absorbed. And His plan is infinitely better than mine.