Dark and Twisty

Twice now I’ve been verbally attacked. I slept like crap trying to figure this one out.

The edges are much blurrier. But twice now, I’ve taken the words, I’ve absorbed the anger.

I’m the common denominator; so I sit and wonder why.

Yes, I’m verbal and loud and emotional and rough along the edges. And despite my many, many blessings, showing joy is difficult for me, always has been. (minus with my kids)

Anger and outburst come naturally and satan fans that flame- hard.

And I’m working on it folks, truly. And the progress is decent, at least if you saw me at the beginning.

…But sometimes I still wonder why.

Maybe its simple, maybe its because I can take it. My entire life people have misunderstood me- thought I was one way over another, taken words over passion, but I am strong and deep and a decent swimmer.

I’m a lot of things, including tired. And happy is included in that list, even if I sometimes complain too loud to see it.

dark and twistyI guess that’s why I get thrown ugly sometimes. There are ugly twisted dark sides of me, despite how much light I try to cram in.

Last years words were “give freely,” something I’m still working on…but maybe this years will be “show joy.” Truthfully I can think of a lot of fitting words for 2016, but what good is any of it if I’m not joyful…or only joyful on the inside. Twenty years from now I don’t want to explain to my kids, mommy really was happy, I just held it on the inside. Ummm, what?!

And so maybe sometimes I get thrown other peoples dark and twisty and ugly. And maybe it hurts, but maybe I’m strong enough to carry their ugly and mine, when they need a source to unload.

In the meantime I’ll keep cramming in the light, and trying to show a little more joy.

– J

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