Grace Wasn’t Easy, It Was Free

This week has been one for the books…

My body

My emotions

My hormones

My reactions

My babes

We were all thrown off track when an unexpected whirlwind of unkind words spoken in anger were directed towards me…and they hurt.

My gut reaction was to remove myself and my babes out of the toxic environment (and into the always open arms of Mimi and Papa).

My second reaction was anger, closely followed by resentment laced with revenge.

This feeling of “they’ll soon find out who they’re messing with” only began to dissipate as I sat on the couch for our confrontation…and sat still.

grace wasnt easyBut what struck me as odd (or at least odd for me) was as I sat there trying to focus the only reoccurring thoughts I had were on how I could change. How I could grow, what could my take away be? How could I give more even though I wanted to take it all back?

It came down to two simple choices, which I still struggle with some days: love or hate.

And we could (I did) dissect it and list 100 reasons and options and scenarios, but at the end of the day I am responsible for my actions and teaching my babes love or hate. Joy or bitterness.

And I can’t force that choice on anyone, I can model it though.

I’m a strike back kind of gal, but maybe living with Shauna is wearing off on me more than I know.

Maybe God is doing deeper soul work than I had fathomed or intended, and the yeses are a painful slap in the face.

And maybe it’s both because the loudest phrase in my head is “kill ‘em with kindness”

grace isnt easyAnd so I’m digging deeper than I thought I had in me. I’m searching my hurt for compassion. I’m searching the ugly for reflections of sincerity and truth.

And this doesn’t mean accountability is gone or toxicity will be tolerated.

It does mean love will triumph and I, and my home, will be defined by God’s grace and continual hard faith yeses.

Grace was not given easy, it was given freely.

And so I try. I fail frequently, but I try.

-J

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