Under Pressure

I’m not particularly into music, the visual arts are more my thing, but I realized today there are no songs that adequately explain the first week a baby is in your arms and no longer physically one with you.
(Although, the theme song for labor with Ainslee Bug was Under Pressure…I’m thanking Happy Feet Two with Nici Bear the day before for that one)

But, there’s no song explaining the ache of dividing time between these two perfect babes instead of one.

There’s not even a song that begins to grasps the ups and downs of marital frustrations that occur when the babes are born and little, toddlers growing and changing.

And there’s certainly no songs for the pain of breastfeeding during week one with a bad latcher and tense momma.

Maybe there’s no songs because there are no words. Just feelings.

And I feel things strong and hard. (And nipple cream only dulls the ache)

And this is new and I’m tired and been tired, and stressed and been stressed. My body and mind and heart are worn out AND overflowing.

And the Oreos are running out. And I go to the farmers market for the fresh chocolate cake.

11407177_10106826640319894_4745784882963912744_n And once again I’m feeling like a failure. Holding on too tight to things I can’t control. Grasping desperately. Grieving the days of mommy and Nici solitude, yet utterly celebrating the beauty of the girl in my arms and our life.

It’s a hard transition I wasn’t expecting or prepared for. It’s ok. People keep telling me this.

Yet there is really only one comfort, He meets me where I’m at. Grace like an avalanche. He gives it freely thank goodness because I’m certainly bad at extending it to myself.

He meets me here. Right where I’m at. Confusion, too strong of feelings even for the songs, He knows this. He knows me.

It’s ok, I’m doing ok, I’m beyond blessed and obsessed with both my babies. But it’s also ok to not know how to do this.

After all, it’s only week one.

– J


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