Two Emotions at Once

two emtoions“The funny thing about our hearts is that they are capable of holding more than one emotion at a time- even when those emotions are polar opposites. The darkness is like that too.” – Ann Spangler

The darkness is like that too.

I’m not sure which part of that speaks stronger to me, the heart or the darkness.

I’ve experienced a lot of change and unexpectedness and upset in my life. I haven’t experienced much utter darkness. One day I will, I have no doubt. But for now, my battles are and have been in the light. (They may be long and drawn out, but I’m still glad for the soul light.)

I have held two emotions in my heart at once. I’ve done that a lot.

I’ve loved (and love) people I know are bad for me.

I’ve walked away while wanting to run back.

I’ve held hands while wanting to shake some sense into someone.

I think that’s the hardest. Loving someone, being there for someone, while hating their actions.

To be honest it thoroughly confuses me. I’m raw to a flaw and subtle has never been a defining characteristic. When I’m not met with honestly and raw emotions (especially out of people who have always been), I simply do not know what to do.

Darkness and light. You can find light in the darkness. Does that mean they exist simultaneously? I thought that was impossible, but then again:

Both day and night belong to You

Psalm 74:16

And “the people who have sat in darkness have seen a great light”

Matthew 4:16

Maybe when my heart is full of mixed emotions, day and night, I don’t need to figure it all out.

I need to lean into God. Trusting he’ll show me what to do.  Right now in this moment. And it will be enough, because the very next moment He will meet me again.

-J

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