I Needed To Be In Love

I will obey your decrees. Please don’t give up on me!

How can a young person stay pure? By obeying your word.

I have tried hard to find you—
don’t let me wander from your commands.

I have hidden your word in my heart,
 that I might not sin against you.

Psalm 119-:8-11 (NLT)

This verse meant something very different to me five (plus) years ago…

Five years ago, I was still in college (and no that doesn’t look like American Pie College Years – that means Friday night Friends marathons with my sister, pizza, Twizzlers, and Swedish fish, yes, we were rebels)

But more importantly, five years ago I wasn’t married and I wasn’t focused on God or Godly living.

I knew His word, I grew up with Him and His word. I’ve always believed and communicated with Him almost daily. But, I was carrying His word in my head, not my heart.

This resulted in behaviors, impurities, I am not proud of. I am hesitant to write this because I find it shameful and disappointing and my Gramma reads this. But it happened – I’m an emotional, physical person and that translated (in obvious ways) over to my relationships.

I used to pray Psalm 119:8

I will obey your decrees. 
Please don’t give up on me!

I wouldn’t change my actions though. God had to be sick of me! Did I even believe myself? I never stopped praying though, and He never stopped listening.

I’m not proud of my relational past or that my husband is not the only man I’ve been with. I HATE this. Truth be told, I just don’t think about it. I’m not sure why I’m blogging about it because it requires thinking more about it than I have in a very long time.

I thank God for His endless mercy and grace and complete forgiveness. Thank goodness He is fully God; a human couldn’t be so forgiving!

While I’m now faithfully married to a wonderful man, I still fight selfishness. (That’s ultimately what my previous relationships were about –me- they had nothing to do with God.)

Selfness looks A LOT different these days because I have refocused my life and marriage around my God. But it’s still lurking around every corner.

Every time I choose my will instead of God’s I’m putting me first.

Every time I don’t do something I know I should to benefit someone or something in His kingdom I am putting myself first.

These days verses 10 & 11 speak loudest to me:

I have tried hard to find you—
don’t let me wander from your commands.

I have hidden your word in my heart,
 that I might not sin against you.

Some people are head thinkers, some people are heart thinkers. I’m an emotional hopeless romantic. My favorite movies are The Notebook, Sleepless in Seattle, and Free Willy…that should say enough.

In the words of Frozen:

“The heart is not so easily changed, but the head can be persuaded.”2014-01-12_05.59.54_am

My point is, having Gods word in my head means nothing because I rarely listen to logic (my parents can attest to that).

I needed to get God’s word in my heart. I needed to be fully in love with Him and His plan before I could act like I knew His word.

And now that I’m here, thinking and acting in love, I still make a lot of mistakes. But I’m fighting daily to spend time together to keep our love kindled, so that I won’t wander from His commands.

– J

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s