The past few days I haven’t been the kindest…or most patient person. My thoughts and desire of who I want to be have rarely met in reality.
I lean toward blaming Christmas (an excuse but it’s all I’ve got).
Yes, I loved Christmas, this year and every year… the warmness and glowing trees and family time and incomprehensible joy radiating from my boy’s little body leaves me breathless even in retrospect.
But, oh the pressure. Oh, the to-do lists.
And yes it all gets done, beautifully most of the time… at least to the outside world.
If only they saw the struggle, the ugly.
Some struggles are beautiful. Me, under self-inflicted pressure with a house full of clutter is not.
I’m more like a dragon beast…glittery in the sunlight, but ready to snap your head off if you so much as look at me wrong or have a stupid suggestion. A Snapdragon.
I’m not proud of this. Simply sharing an ugly truth.
New years- new goals- new hurdles- new words.
I’ve been praying about a word; one to last the whole year thru.
This morning (5 am driving to the airport), God gave me a word: kindness.
I’m not thrilled with my word. Was hoping for something more like grit, perseverance, strength, warrior mom, super woman…
Yes, it needs work in my life. Loving is easy, showing love is getting easier. I’ve spent two whole years focusing on how to love those who are difficult in my life. Now, I have to figure out how to be kind to those who are easiest to love in my life (those I take for granted, those I snapdragon at.)
I’m already mentally exhausted. I already feel set up for failure. I don’t wholly believe failure will be inevitable, God would have given me a different word if that was the case…but man will I fail a lot before succeeding in this new way of life:
I like dirty impossible, take on Mount Everest, while decorating a beautiful home, and figuring out how to cook, and creating fun crafts with my kids kind of tasks, you know piling to much on my plate and succeeding…not without causalities.
Truth be told that’s what I’m wired for. I have a lot of energy, a lot of passion, a lot of creative juice that must be taken out. I’ve always taken on a lot; I genuinely want to do it all.
Am I being told to slow down? To take on less in order to do more with kindness? Or to do what I am doing but to lose the pressures of suburbia (or self inflicted pressures of perfection) in order to re-find kindness.
Then again, I’ve always been a snapdragon, maybe suburbia just made it worse (or exhaustion)…(that seems like an article in itself though)
Either way, my word is kindness and my task is clear: taming the snapdragon. That lies to close to the surface on far too many days.
I’ve completed step one, owning my ugly out loud. There is no denial here. Just an ever evolving woman grasping for new graces from those she takes for granted most.
And learning to grant herself grace, because in order to turn up the kindness I must find a way to turn down the pressure.