Contentment: I don’t really like that word- it sounds like one step above unhappy and just comfortable enough to stay where you’re at; it’s right up there with ‘okay’ and ‘alright’.
I don’t want to look ‘okay’ or the meal to taste ‘alright’. I want to look pretty or beautiful, and the meal to taste fantastic, or horrible enough to order pizza.
None of this ‘in-between’ stuff.
In case you didn’t notice I’m a bold person. I have bold opinions, bold emotions, I even paint my house bold colors (typically when my husband is out of town and can’t veto the ideas). I feel things strongly and am passionate about my convictions and more than once this has gotten me into trouble. At times it drives me bonkers about myself, and definitely drives my husband nuts from time to time. However, I also wouldn’t trade this part of me in.
I will confess that being highly emotional and wired so strongly can begin to feel like a rollercoaster. A wooden one- the kind that jerks you around harshly and unexpectedly, and leaves you so sore you forget the purpose of the ride was enjoyment….ya, my emotions have felt like that for most of my life. Taking me and those around me by surprise.
Thank goodness for amazing (repetitive) grace. Because Lord knows I can’t learn the first time around. I’ve been on this emotional rollercoaster too long, and have just learned that I control the ride the past few years. I am an imperfect mess, but I am in progress. I am in control of my emotions and reactions, not the other way around. Sounds simple, but it has taken A LOT of God time for that to not only sink in logically but to manifest in my actions.
Truth be told I was afraid of harassing in my wild emotions. I didn’t want to be luke warm or average, I like feeling things deeply. That’s part of what makes me, me. Something crazy happened on my journey with God though; I began to gain control over the negative, over reacting emotions and that left room for all the good, heartfelt emotions to run even bigger!
I have a little boy, Dominic, my Nici-Bear! When I became pregnant is when I really started spending more time with God. I didn’t want to be a wooden rollercoaster of emotions, what kind of example would that be?!
He’s been blessed (and cursed?!) with his momma’s emotions. He has a passion, and energy, and aggression for life that is both contagious and exhausting. The thing is, in him, I see the glory of his personality. I can repeatedly extend all the grace humanly possible towards him (because he is 1 year old, but mainly because he is mine and oh how I love him!)
He makes me see the best in me, because I can see the best in him so easily.
I think it’s similar with God. I am his passionate, energetic, emotional daughter, and oh how He loves me! He doesn’t want me to squash my feelings, He wired me this way. He does however, want me to control them (much like its important for me to teach Nici how to control his outbursts). Because its only when I am in control and relying on God for help that we can focus all my energies towards His plans and step off of the wooden rollercoaster together, towards the ride of a lifetime.
Yes, sometimes (more often than I’d like) I still fail, and throw the equivalent of a Nici fit (which are powerful things if you’ve had the pleasure of experiencing them). But God has unending grace for me (because I am young, but mostly because I am His.)
You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body
and knit me together in my mother’s womb.
Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex!
Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it.
You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion,
as I was woven together in the dark of the womb.
You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book.
Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.
How precious are your thoughts about me, O God. They cannot be numbered!
Psalm 139: 13-17 (NLT)